Time for a Laughter Break

by Melannie Svoboda SND on May 4, 2020

Those of you familiar with my blog know that every now and then I like to devote a day to humor. Today is one of those days. So here are some jokes, funny sayings, and what-have-you’s that I hope will brighten your day!

Let’s begin with some “punny” definitions. (Did I already hear a groan?)

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

The toothless termite walked into a tavern and asked, “Is the bar tender here?”

What washes up on tiny shores? Microwaves.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus.

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila Mockingbird.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

Okay, okay, I can hear your groans. So let’s move on to some philosophical thoughts:

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague… The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends… If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?… Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once… Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today… A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour… Happiness comes through doors you didn’t even know you left open.

“That one’s a hoot!”

And now for some Latin. Yes, Latin. I had four years of Latin in high school. That was many, many, many years ago. (One “many” equals 20 years!) Is there anyone else besides me who studied Latin? If so, here are some Latin Bumper Stickers you might enjoy: Sona si Latine loqueris. Honk if you speak Latin… Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo. Don’t call me, I’ll call you… Prescripto in manibus tabellariorium est. The check is in the mail… Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum. Garbage in, garbage out… Da mihi sis cerevisiam dilutam. I’ll have a light beer… Die dulci fruere. Have a nice day!

Okay, we’ll go back to English. The old convent van was getting old so the Mother Superior called a car dealer and asked what a new van would cost. He said gently, “Are you sitting down, Sister?” She replied, “I’m kneeling, Mr. Smith.”

George wanted a pet but he also wanted a bargain. He asked the pet shop clerk, “Do any of your dogs go cheap?” The clerk replied, “Oh no. Our canaries go ‘cheep.’ Our dogs go ‘woof.'”

“What’s so funny?”

The family was talking about nose jobs. Their little girl looked confused and asked, “Where does the doctor get the new noses to replace the old ones?” Her father replied, “They have a place that makes them. It’s called the ‘olfactory.'”

Two women were looking at greeting cards. The one said to the other, “I’m looking for a card that says, ‘Your love is priceless’ for under $5.”

The elderly man was renewing his driver’s license. Because of his age, he had to take the driving part again. He came to a stop sign, looked left, and then went through the intercession. The instructor cried, “You didn’t look right!” The man replied, “That’s my wife’s side.”

Did you know that you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

Is ignorance or apathy destroying this country? Answer: I don’t know and I don’t care!

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I said, “That’s the last thing I need!”

And finally: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

Okay… did and of these make you smile?

What helps you to hang on to your sense of humor during these very serious times?

Do you have any joke, pun or funny story you’d like to share with us?

We are still in the Easter season. Hence, I chose an excerpt from Handel’s Messiah, the incredible “Hallelujah Chorus.” The audio is from College Church in Wheaton. The video was done by a group of families praising the Risen Lord this Easter–and having fun doing it!

I invite your comments below! Don’t be shy!

{ 54 comments… read them below or add one }

Thomas DeFreitas May 4, 2020 at 4:19 am

Sr Melannie and everyone, good morning!

Recently, I discovered a wonderful singer on YouTube, and the somewhat Yogi-Berra-ish thought crossed my mind, “I’d love to hear her sing at my funeral.”

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. Bartender says, “What is this, some kind of a joke?”

Once, when I was younger, and still living “at home,” Mom pointed to a container marked Maxwell House, and to alert me to the fact that it wasn’t empty, said, “That coffee’s got coffee in it.” (I like the coffee that has coffee in it! The coffee without the coffee in it tastes a little … off.)

Also, when I was visiting my mom one Christmas, she was doing something in the kitchen and singing Christmas carols as she worked. Then she dropped or spilled something, and let out a stream of unprintables. Ever the wiseacre, I said, “I don’t know that particular Christmas hymn. Is that from the Solemn High Mass of the Nativity?” Without skipping a beat, Mom shot back, “No, it’s from the Vulgate.”

Happy Monday, everyone!

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Carol Kapostasy May 4, 2020 at 6:29 am

Sooooo funny! I needed a good giggle. Cannot take credit for these following puns; I looked them up & had so much fun doing that…enjoy your day everyone!

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

How do you make Holy Water? Boil the Hell out of it.

When life gives you melons, you’re dyslexic.

“I have a split personality”, said Tom, being frank.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

Light travels faster than sound, that’s why some people appear bright until they speak.

I renamed my iPod the Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”

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John E Hopkins May 4, 2020 at 5:07 am

Good morning, Sr. Melannie….
Good morning, all….

All this great material!

Thanks, Sister!
Thanks, Tom!

To quote Jimmy Buffett, “If we couldn’t laugh we’d all go insane.”

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Ed Johnson May 4, 2020 at 5:25 am

I’ll bet you laughed all the way to your keyboard this week, Sister. Lots of groans and moans among friends and neighbors!? Oh, no, here she comes again. Quick, hide! People stopped answering your phone calls, did they?….Well, this was a great post; really tickled my fancy. Helped me recall the wonderful image of Laughing Jesus. And I especially loved the great video of the HA (get it?) LLELUJAH chorus. Peace, Blessings, Safety, and Laughter to one and all!
Ed J

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Paul Kelly May 4, 2020 at 5:43 am

Dear Paul, Hope you enjoy this. X

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Mary Danner May 4, 2020 at 6:10 am

What a wonderful way to begin my week. Thank you for making me laugh. God bless you and all your readers 🙂

Blessings,
Mary

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Kathleen Magiera May 4, 2020 at 6:49 am

Loved the Hallelujah Chorus! It made me smile.

Be safe. God bless.

Kathleen

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Sharon Ohm May 4, 2020 at 7:25 am

Thank you for the puns, jokes, and especially the totally delightful Hallelujah Chorus! Blessings!

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Pete May 4, 2020 at 7:36 am

Sister! Stop! How can you top this blog? I printed this blog and now have a lot of material to share with my community of friends and family. What an effort in the ” Hallelujah Chorus”. What a way to start the week. I loved it. See what being quarantined can produce? Thanks Sister.

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Barbara Erdmann May 4, 2020 at 7:44 am

BRILLIANT!

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Janet May 4, 2020 at 7:46 am

♥️ Loved it! Made my day. Still smiling

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betty schwind May 4, 2020 at 7:58 am

Thank you so much for this. Loved seeing the families and the different ways they displayed their signs – especially loved the little girl with her “sideways” sign!

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Marlene Murphy May 4, 2020 at 8:07 am

Loved it, loved it, loved it! What joy! I needed it so this Monday morning. Tears of joy that will stay with me hopefully all week!!!!!

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Roseann May 4, 2020 at 8:50 am

Good morning, Sister Melannie and all good bloggers,
The Hallelujah video brought tears to my eyes. To observe the faith and resiliency of all those beautiful people gives one such hope and joy. Thank you also for all those wonderful jokes! I am such a cornball myself so I will definitely use some of them on friends and family. God Bless Happy Easter

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Carolyn A. Juenemann May 4, 2020 at 9:09 am

Sr. Melaine

Absolutely delightful., I forward it on to several family and friends. We need such uplifting reminders these days! Hope you are staying well.

I still think of the retreat you had in Atchinson. I am so grateful for your style of writing and ministry.

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Mary May 4, 2020 at 9:10 am

Thank you Sister, for my this morning.

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Mary May 4, 2020 at 9:14 am

my comment left out my many smiles.

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Mary James Kelly May 4, 2020 at 9:37 am

A cliche walked into a bar fit as a fiddle,cute as a button, sharp as a tack…
The past,present and future walk into a bar. It was tense
A simile walks into a bar parched as a desert
A misplaced modifier walked into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph
A synonym strolls into a bar…

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Shirley May 4, 2020 at 9:43 am

Thanks Sister for the laughs. Makes for a great start to the week.

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Jean May 4, 2020 at 9:44 am

Dear Sister Melannie,
What a terrific way to begin the week.
I love puns and love the video – so clever.
Thank you.

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Steve May 4, 2020 at 9:48 am

My mother always turned up the TV as her hearing was going. We bought her an expensive set of hearing aids. One day she came upstairs declaring a miracle—she could hear the TV as well without her hearing aids as with them. (It was time to change the batteries.)

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Evelyn Allen May 4, 2020 at 9:57 am

Id est quod Id est !!!!

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Melannie Svoboda SND May 6, 2020 at 3:11 pm

Gratias tibi, Evelyn! Melannie (I think Evelyn said “It is what it is…”

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Evelyn Allen May 8, 2020 at 6:36 pm

Exactly. Had this quote printed on a tee shirt which I gave to my pastor for a Christmas gift a few years ago. He still wears it occasionally.

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Pam May 4, 2020 at 10:20 am

Thanks so much for the day brightener…my husband and I got a good laugh from each and every one of them…the sun is shining the sky is blue and we got some good humor from you…
We both really needed this ….thanks again for always making our Monday morning s better….
You are the best…

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Janice Daley May 4, 2020 at 11:07 am

This was great for a Monday. I really enjoyed it. Keep it coming.

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Odelia May 4, 2020 at 12:04 pm

WOW! What production! And they all seemed to be enjoying themselves.
The jokes brought smiles to my face!
Thank you,
Sr. Odelia

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louise fratto May 4, 2020 at 12:14 pm

I liked the jokes, but I loved that video!! So much fun, I watched it more than once!! Thank you Sister!!!

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mary ann flannery May 4, 2020 at 12:18 pm

Melanie: I actually liked all of these but several had me laughing out loud. One was the mother superior on her knees talking to the car dealer and another was the guy who didn’t look to the right at the stop sign because its where this wife sits! I actually make up one-liners or puns when I get bored driving a long distance. You made me laugh today and I thank you!.Mary Ann Flannery, SC.

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Karen E May 4, 2020 at 12:27 pm

Thank you. Just thank you today. You are a wonderful gift to us.
Karen

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S. Pat Newhouse SC May 4, 2020 at 12:35 pm

Thanks for cheering me up, S. Melonie. I need it because two of my senior parishioners passed away this week, but not to the virus. I have another elderly couple in the hospital fighting Covid 19.
Here’s a few Covid things I’ve heard recently:

Me – “Alexa what is the weather prediction for this weekend?
Alexa – ” Why do you need to know? You can’t go anywhere.

I’m trying to stay away from my refrigerator during “Stay at Home” so I can lower my curve.

Have a great day!

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Jean Shott May 4, 2020 at 12:41 pm

I very much enjoyed your post today. I had 2 years of Latin but wasn’t able to translate your bumper stickers. I always enjoy your down to earth approach to life, and the video with “ closed captioning” was great – I never knew all the words.

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Annie May 4, 2020 at 1:24 pm

Thank you so much for a much-needed topic! The video was very creative too!

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Tom May 4, 2020 at 1:24 pm

All the jokes and puns were delightful, much needed at this time. Here’s my entree:
“I heard they were making a documentary about a loose tooth.”
” They were, but unfortunately it never came out.”

Now back to our real jobs!

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Debbie Payne May 4, 2020 at 1:37 pm

Sr Melanie – I have shared your web site with many friends and this one really put a smile on someone who lives in a nursing home face.Keep them coming !

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Sharon May 4, 2020 at 1:44 pm

Wow! More badly needed than I thought! I couldn’t help, but get watery eyes at seeing all the effort put into the Hallelujah Chorus by so many faith-filled kids and adults! All year I wait for our choir to perform this Chorus at the end of the Easter Vigil Mass. Of course, not this year. But you have come through with flying “alleluias”! The seed continues to break open. Thank you, Sr. Melannie!

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Linda Martens May 4, 2020 at 3:35 pm

What a gift, I look forward to your post each week…this was a wonderful way to start the week. The Hallelujah chorus was beautiful and FUN and so uplifting… Thank you so much!!

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Carol May 4, 2020 at 3:42 pm

You really tickled my funny bone! What a delight! Listening to the Hallelujah Corus was both stirring and whimsical at the same time… Loved it!

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joan metzger May 4, 2020 at 4:00 pm

Sister Melanie, Thank you for bringing joy to our Mondays. As Pierre Teilhard de Chardin said: “Joy is the infallible sign of the presence of God.” The video really made me smile. I enjoyed all the jokes and puns, and Mary James Kelly’s grammar puns really tickled me.

Do you know why people seem to read the Bible a lot more when they get older? …….. Because they are cramming for their final exam.

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Peggy Svoboda May 4, 2020 at 8:21 pm

I really enjoyed the laughs today! And the Hallelujah Chorus was wonderful. I shared it on my Facebook page so others could enjoy it, too. You really brightened my day. Thank you!

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Stephanie Bosma May 4, 2020 at 10:23 pm

My aunt Sr. Mary Montgomery, SP, shared this with me. Said she met you after you gave a retreat at SMW last year. I grinned through this whole video. Thanks for the joy!

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Ken Locken May 5, 2020 at 12:19 am

Thank you sister Melanie for the wonderful humor in your blog. I am a long time reader but this is my first time responding. I loved the Hallelujah by the families and the children from the church. Very uplifting and inspiring. I have received a lot of inspiration from your blog the past few years, and also from your book on Psalm 26 and the book on Hanging on to Hope. God bless you in your ministry.

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Cathy Peterson May 5, 2020 at 12:55 am

Hi, I really enjoyed this week’s Sunflower Seeds. Thank you so much!

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Sr. Kateri May 5, 2020 at 9:39 am

What an absolute delight — the Hallelujah chorus! I had a big smile on my face from beginning to end. Thank you, Melanie! Some of the jokes were definitely groaners; sounded like they came from one of our Sisters who also likes to connect “words” like that, or should I say “dis” connect them.

Great, thoughtful entertainment. Again, thanks!

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Julie Teder May 5, 2020 at 4:28 pm

Dear Melannie,
The jokes were good and cute, but I absolutely loved the Halleujah chorus. So many families were involved and the timing and filming was unbelievable. By the end I was smiling tears. It was great. But your blogs every week are awesome.

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Donna May 5, 2020 at 7:30 pm

Thank you so much for the “time out” and simple laughter! It made my day!

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Melannie Svoboda SND May 6, 2020 at 12:06 pm

Dear All,
A big thank you to all of you–but especially to our responders–so far. (You can keep the responses coming, if you wish). I appreciate the humorous additions and your other wise words. I had fun writing this post–because I needed a laughter break too. God bless you all! Melannie

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Jean Canatsey May 6, 2020 at 12:36 pm

Dear Sr. Melannie,
I‘m late responding again this week but it’s not because my husband and I didn’t start the week laughing. Thank you so much for your humor!
I’d like to add a couple that relate to this period of time.
I’m as bored as an Amish electrician.
If this keeps up, I’ll be pouring wine on my cereal!
We absolutely loved the Hallelujah Chorus! Such creativity!
P.S. Today is my husband’s 83rd birthday. We are blessed with age and each other.

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Melannie Svoboda SND May 6, 2020 at 3:08 pm

Jean, Happy Birthday to your dear husband! Thanks for your additions! It’s always good hearing from both of you! Sr. Melannie

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Mary Lou Pieczarka May 6, 2020 at 5:16 pm

This is wonderful. Funny, inventive and,wonderful. Haleluia

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Nancy Dobney May 7, 2020 at 11:03 am

Hi everyone,
I love to laugh and I love these jokes! I wish I could remember them so I can retell them but I usually forget them or mess them up and then they are just not funny anymore!! 🙂

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles (tentacles)!!!
What do call a dinosaur that’s sleeping? A dino-snore!!!

I took these from Pluto the talking dog that’s on facebook. That dog cracks me up…funny stuff!!

Thanks for making us giggle and keeping our spirits up.
Nancy

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Patt Germann May 7, 2020 at 2:46 pm

A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says “I think I might be a typo…”

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sue vaughan May 11, 2020 at 4:48 pm

thank you. Your version of Handel has made me smile properly for the first time in days

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Diane May 11, 2020 at 4:59 pm

Thank you . That was fantastic,

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